weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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