And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
