you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
