I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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