Well douche your snatch and let's go!
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
