I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
