I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I just googled if crying burns calories
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
