there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
