So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i came on her dog
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
