I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
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