just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
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The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
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WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight