his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
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His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
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Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?