Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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