hotel room ftw
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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