Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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