Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
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I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
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All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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