I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
