I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
