I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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