sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
sarcasm needs its own font
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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