Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Randomize
