Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
my poor anus
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
