I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
