Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
