2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
