mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
