There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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