my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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