I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
