it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
