So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
