Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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