If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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