then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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