Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
