just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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