I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
The uberlube is also flammable
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
