i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
