As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
