I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
