I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
