He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
