Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
