I'm going to jail i love you
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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