I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
