New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
