your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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