I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I need to align my fucking chakras
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
