im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
