My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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