i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
