What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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