I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
