I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
