Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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