I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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