captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
