im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Everyone says I win the strip club
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
