I wish my penis had an off switch
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
