all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
