hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Randomize
