this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
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